INT. BASEMENT STUDIO – EVENING
ROCCO, JOZO, and TONY sit around a scratched-up IKEA table. There’s a laptop open, a half-eaten pizza, and a sketchpad full of wild T-shirt designs—everything from Saint Mary riding a Vespa to a cartoon priest dabbing with the words “Bless Up.”
ROCCO:
Alright boys, hear me out. We been hustlin’ our merch game old school—printing in bulk, slangin’ ‘em at festivals, flea markets, trunk of Jozo’s Civic. It’s cute. Real nostalgic. But we’re gettin’ smoked out there by these e-kids on TikTok.
JOZO:
You talkin’ about them drop shippers? The ones with anime Jesus and AI cat nuns?
ROCCO:
Exactly. These guys make a design at 2 a.m. on mushrooms, slap it online, and boom—by sunrise, they’re sellin’ hoodies to Portland vegans and Norwegian Twitch streamers.
TONY (grumbling):
So what, we sell out? We go corporate? We kiss the algorithm’s ring?
ROCCO (leans in):
Nah, we infiltrate. We upload our saints and sinners to CafePress, let the machines do the grunt work. No more boxes of unsold “Pope on a Pogo Stick” shirts in your mom’s basement, Tony.
JOZO:
Yeah, and we keep our edge. We’re not makin’ “Live Laugh Love” crap—we’re doin’ “Pray Hustle Repeat,” you feel me? “Saint Rude” in gold foil. “Virgin Mary Wasn’t Born Yesterday.”
TONY (softens):
If you can’t beat ‘em…
ROCCO:
…join ‘em. Then beat ‘em at their own game. We go digital, we go global. No inventory, no sweatshop drama, just pure hustle and holy fire.
JOZO:
I already made an account. Our store’s called “Holy Threadz.” With a Z.
TONY:
A Z? …Now you’re speakin’ my language.
ROCCO (smiling):
Let’s baptize the internet, boys. One holy hoodie at a time.
We SPLIT everything 50/50 . Cue them raising their espresso cups like it’s communion.
I insist it is God's Eye. But you can have your own opinion.
Joe says:
If you’re looking to create and sell your own merch online, CafePress is a solid place to start, especially if you’re not ready to invest in bulk printing or storage. Here’s a quick rundown:
Create a Free Account – Go to cafepress.com, sign up as a seller, and set up your shop.
Upload Your Designs – Make sure your artwork is high-res (300 DPI is ideal). You can create designs for everything from T-shirts and mugs to tote bags and even shower curtains.
Choose Products – CafePress lets you apply your designs to a wide range of products. Pick the items that best match your brand or audience.
Set Your Prices – CafePress has base prices for each item. You add your markup and keep the profit.
Promote Your Shop – Share your store link on your social media, blog, or even right here on eastvan.website. You can also integrate it with your own site if you’ve got one.
No need to worry about shipping, printing, or customer service—CafePress handles all that. You focus on creating cool designs that represent East Van vibes or whatever your style is.
Hope that helps anyone trying to get their art out there without going broke ?
— Joe
Rocco says:
“Jeff Bezos undercut me. Personally. Probably while orbiting the Earth in his bald little billionaire rocket.
But hey — if you’re done stuffing the wallets of the Old World Order and their tax-dodging techno-lords, do something different.
Be a rebel. A real one. Buy local. Buy weird. Buy loud. Buy from us.
This ain’t just commerce — it’s community. It’s resistance. It’s East Van, brothers & sisters.”
Suddenly, the Bogdanov Twins materialize from the blockchain mist — draped in custom NWO East Van wear, stitched with encrypted prophecy. Their cheekbones glint like polished pyramids.
Bogdanov 1: “Jeff Bezos… you thought you controlled the algorithm.”
Bogdanov 2 (adjusting his quantum hoodie): “But now, do you feel in control, Mr. Bezos?”
They nod in eerie synchronicity and point to the stitched hemline:
“This isn’t just streetwear. This is signal. This is resistance. This is… East Van.”
Donald J. Trump comments on eastvan.website:
The Deep State is DONE. FINISHED. Crushed like a loser-brand lightbulb under my golden heel — thanks to my brilliant, powerful, devastatingly smart apprentice from Vancouver — Jozo. Total killer. They said it couldn’t be done. We did it anyway. Like a boss.
And now, a poem, because Vancouver deserves the very best:
Shall I compare thee to a luxury high-rise?
Thou art more stable, and more well-insulated.
Gold trim doth grace thy skyline like my ties,
While losers fade, thou stand’st Trump-validated.
From English Bay to Granville’s flashing lights,
Thy beauty makes me tweet both night and day.
And though they mocked me on late-night bites,
Jozo and I just built the better way.
So long as towers rise and deals are spun,
So lives this love, and gives Trump life to run.
— Donald J. Trump, Lover of Cities & Closer of Deals
Jacob Rothschild, livestreaming from a velvet chair deep within the shadowy heart of the Central Bank Complex, speaks with a trembling monocle:
“Donald… the markets are spooked. My nerves are jangled like a chandelier in a hurricane. Soothe me, apprentice. Remind me who’s in control.”
Trump, shirt half-unbuttoned, hair in full defiance mode, kicks open the golden doors of Trump Tower. He slams a boombox down and blasts the Ramones at maximum volume —
? “HEY! HO! LET’S GO!” ?
“You want soothing? Bite me, Jacob. You and the Fed? YOU’RE FIRED.
This ain’t the Age of Rothschild anymore. This is the Age of Jozo.
Real punk. Real people. Real deals.
Now excuse me — I’m taking the East Van express to freedom.”